Monologue.

Monologue

(Matthew Stark, age 19)

Everything costs so much bloody money! I’m just a waiter at Hallgarth Hotel, how the hell am I meant to be able to afford all the shit I need? I mean, just the other day, it was proper embarrassing to start off with, but then I find out the repairs are costing es 400 fricking quid! If the RAF weren’t so uptight about who they hired I’d be able to afford it easily, but nah; I only got 3 questions wrong in the formal and that got es a straight up ‘NO!’ (said resentfully). Who knows how to land helicopters anyway? Why would I know, I wanna be a front line gunner not a landing of thy helicopter tool, they’re all just... (sighs). I got all dressed up for that formal as well, pfft, spent bout hundred pound on a suit and shoes, just to be turned down by some overweight old timer! (Slams fist into bench).

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh aye, so, am powering down the M1, feeling pretty mint actually! I’d jus’ bin to Go Ape – that was an awesome place! You swing from trees and all sorts its well good man! This beaur of a lass took es there for me birthday (Grins cheekily). Mind you she didn’t dare swing from the highest tree, I were like ‘Claire man, there’s a net to catch you if you fall, you ain’t gonna die are ya?’ she weren’t impressed with that ‘well if you thinks it’s so easy you do it then!’ (Mocking girls voice) I didn’t actually have the guts do it either though (chuckles quietly). Claire gets 20 grand a year for teaching little kids how to count! Would not mind a bitta that dosh like!

But yeah, there I am over taking tones of slow twats, really pushing for 90 mile an hour, when all a sudden (1) BAM! Summit conks in me engine and am slowly drifting to a stop, didn’t fancy the embarrassment of breaking down right in the middle of that road like, holding up 50 odd cars? No thanks! I managed to pull into a layby, thank god!

Oh christ! You ain’t never seen nothing like it. I’m sat there in me tiny gold Punto, it were 11 o’clock at night, pitch bloody black, I were bricking it for some mutant attack to happen like in wrong turn or summit, only not in the middle of forests... obviously. Had ne cred on me phone either, wasted the last of it on Claire, tellin her I’d had a good time and what not. That was mistake. So a were stuck at the side of the motorway with no way of getting help, none of the selfish drivers were gonna stop were they. And like hell was I walking to the nearest emergency phone, could get picked up by some desperate heffer needing his bit on the side for the night, worlds full of them type’s n’all, creepy, gay, fat paedophiles.

So aye, I looked like a bloody wanka, it were worse than getting only one kill on COD, that happened to es once n’all got ragged for ages by this German freak ‘Oh har har, du ist sehr doof!’ whata creeper! I’d rather be dead than still sat on COD at 50 odd! Man had no life I bet bowl of chips one side and a sock ready for later on, that’ll be his night sorted.

Anyways, I was sat there 20 minutes, pure boredom hell! Eventually though some other poor sod broke down on the other side of the motorway, I figured we were in the same stitcher so he’d lend es a hand or summit. Took es a while to pluck up the courage to make the run for it like diving across a bust motorway in the middle of the night – not a smart idea! I got out me car looked left and right, smart thing to do really I didn’t wanna end up like that hedgehog, y’know the one yeah? From that road safety advert. (Looks confused) Yeah I even listened and at the first opening and ran for it! The drivers weren’t too happy I think I made a few of ‘em panic they were honking like mad; although if some mad man did that to me I wouldn’t be impressed. I made the first road easily, it was the next that was a little more problematic, I didn’t see it coming at all, not gonna lie, I thought it was a UFO at first (chuckles). The engine was so bloody loud! And the front beams... thought I was getting abducted man! Turned out it was just one of them Tesco lorries, it came to a swerving stop right in front of me – barley 5 inches from my face (proud of this). The lorry guy looked like her was having a heart attack I thought I was having a heart attack aswell actually (laughs) Once the guy had calmed down a bit and realised I was still alive he came storming out of his truck “What the bleeding hell do you think you’re doing boy?!” Who the hell did he think he was callling ME boy? I’m 19 for god’s sake, stupid fat heap of lard! “You coulda killed us both; it’s a motorway not an effing playground!” He went too far there I says to him “Ere mate, I know fine fucking well this is a motorway you daft twat, i’m attempting to cross it! Me cars broking down our there and I was hoping he’d help es out!” The guy just murmered summit under his breath got back in his lorry and drove off, thought it was gonna get messy, but I guess he admitted defeat! (Cocky smile).

By the time I’d managed to get over the road, the other guy had fixed his car and driven off... (Anger). 

This piece of writing was initially done as a piece of english language courswork, however I have choosen to utelise it in my blog as it shows varius skills in writing.